The breast belonged to Mona, a sultry Mexicana, who looked like a Fly Girl dancer on “In Living Color.” Paler than the rest of her coffee skin, her breasts glowed angelically. They were the size of grapefruits. Sadly, like grapefruits, they were bittersweet. Mona moved away the next week and didn’t even say goodbye.

The first day back school, I looked at my friends gathered around our lunch table and blurted out, “Mona and I did it over break.”

Click here to read the entire story and my recent interview about Mona’s recollection.

“I have something I need to tell you,” Bethany told me four years ago over the phone.

Nothing positive ever follows that statement. No woman will ever say, “I have something I need to tell you … I’ve invented whiskey that cures impotence.” And that’s not just because women are crappy inventors.

Knowing ill-fate awaited, I met Bethany at the coffee shop. What else could I do? Children realize they’re not going to Disneyland when the dentist’s office comes into view — but they still hold tight and hope ice cream will follow.

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I moved to Hollywood wanting to make sweet love to fame. Instead, I slept with Samantha. Quickly I learned a woman doesn’t like it when she’s the good thing in your life. Samantha dumped me after four months. Under the influence of Old Crow bourbon and Elliot Smith songs on repeat, I called my “Bad Advice Friend” for help.

“Take a hot chick to the comedy club she works at,” he said immediately. “Samantha will get jealous and want you back.” I needed to go where sultry women live … Craigslist.

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The Alan Cox Radio Show talked about this article for a solid fifteen minutes. Click here to listen.

Kinane told us four of his craziest drinking stores that ended in the death of a party. Click through to learn how you can do the same.

Comedy Central’s Insider also plugged this article